Howdy, Mrs Bucket, Welcome to Texas
by KeepingUpDisappearances
Summary: Richard develops a sudden interest in Texas, so, along with a surprisingly accommodating Hyacinth, he leaves England for a ten day's visit to the Lone Star State. From the bustling city of Houston to a small "dude ranch" in rural Texas, Hyacinth learns of Texas' unique culture-and just how fiercely loyal Texans are to their state!
1. Is Texas Civilized, Richard?

"Richard, are you _sure_ this is a civilized place?" fretted Hyacinth Bucket (pronounced 'bouquet', thank you very much).

Her husband sighed. "Yes, Hyacinth. At least where we'll be going."

"I've heard that Houston is a frightfully violent city," Hyacinth said audibly.

Richard looked uncomfortable. They were on a flight from London, the destination being Houston, Texas, and, judging by several glares in Hyacinth's direction, many of the passengers were Houstonians returning from a visit to England.

"We will now be descending into George Bush International airport," came an announcement from the pilot. "Make sure all luggage is stowed,

trays and seats in upright position. Please turn off all electronics."

"Is this airport named after the president with the shockingly hideous grammar? I don't know why they let the Americans vote for someone with such grammar!" Hyacinth said.

"No, it's named after his father," Richard said impatiently, as the airplane began to taxi.

"Well, there must have been a sheer lack in his son's education and bringing up," Hyacinth sniffed. "I hope his way of talking doesn't speak for all Texans. My Sheridan would be appaled."

Richard and Hyacinth picked up their carry-on luggage and joined the stream of passengers filing out of the airplane. Richard could hear, though Hyacinth apparently did not, some comments from passengers who were definitely Texans.

"Of all the things to say..."

"Snotty Brit. If she thinks she's too good for Texas-"

"That must've been her husband, sittin' by her and saying' nothin' about her little jabs. Apparently she leads him by a string..."

Richard almost wished that the floor would open up and swallow him. He hurried after Hyacinth, who was making her way to the baggage claim.

"I do hope that our premium suitcases with genuine leather embellishments have not been damaged," Hyacinth was saying. "Richard _do_ come along."

They arrived at the rotating belt in the baggage claim area. Richard couldn't help noticing that some of the their 'fellow' passengers had clustered together at one end, occasionally looking askance at himself and Hyacinth. He thought he hear someone mutter, "I wonder if our airport is good enough for _her_."

"I'm telling you, Hyacinth, Hotel ZaZa is the best rated hotel in the entire city," Richard was saying. They had just gotten into a taxi and were headed for downtown.

"Don't whine to me like that, Richard," Hyacinth replied. "Standards here might not be quite like _my_ standards."

The taxi ended up in a snarl of traffic on the highway leading to downtown Houston. This gave Hyacinth a chance to tell the driver all about dear Sheredin, how well she was known for her candlelight suppers, and if the mayor of Houston wanted to meet her, she would not object, for surely the mayor would want to know that the right sort of people were visiting her city!  
"Thank you, driver," Hyacinth said; the taxi was pulling up before the lavish hotel.  
"Yes'm, thank you," the driver answered, looking relieved at finally being rid of her.  
"I'll take the luggage to the hotel myself, sir," Richard said as he paid the driver.

The hotel did meet Hyacinth's approval, though she was slightly annoyed by the dark color scheme of the dining room. Even the towels and the cleanliness of the window panes in their room passed the test.

Relieved that Hyacinth had found nothing to complain about, Richard inquired at the front desk about local attractions. This visit to Texas had been his idea ("It sounds so very different and fascinating", he had told Hyacinth), and Hyacinth had, surprisingly, been very accommodating.

"It will give us a chance to experience a very different culture," she had proclaimed, though, after finding crime statistics whilst searching the Internet (which she rarely did), and reading about Texas traditions, such as getting food on your face at a barbeque and feeling unashamed, or (gasp!) wearing blue jeans to a small town church, she had wondered about Texas' civility.

That night, sitting and eating at the hotel's dining room, Richard eagerly talked about the museums that were almost within walking distance of the hotel-not letting Hyacinth interrupt, which rare; of a local barbeque joint that was supposed to be a great place for visitors to Texas to sample some of Texas' signature cuisine; and, only three hours away, a nice little island called Galveston.

"Since when are you so interested about a seashore?" Hyacinth said, finally getting a word in.

"I don't mean the beach. I really don't want to lie about on a beach at my age. But, somehow, I'm very interested in the birdwatching. The east end of the island is supposed to be great birdwatching."

"Goodness," Hyacinth said, "have you been watching David Attenborough's programmes again? The idea of tramping about a beach, just to see some birds!"

"There's a nice shopping area, if you don't want to go along," Richard said hastily. "And a very stately home, the 'Moody House', it has tours."

"Hum," said Hyacinth. "I guess we could go. But, dear, tell me you aren't thinking of driving there yourself? There are lorries here, aren't there? Lorries that can take us to the island?"

"Yes, yes," Richard said hastily. "Now, let's get back to the room, shall we? I wanted to see the natural history museum, and the fine arts museum."

"Of course, dear," Hyacinth said. "It sounds like it will be a very cultural outing."

"We'll have to see as much as we can before we have to go to the dude ranch."

"Oh, yes, the dude ranch," Hyacinth said in disgust. "I don't even know why I agreed to that. Do you suppose they have tame horses?"

* * *

Hotel Zaza is a real hotel, and is often considered Houston's finest hotel.


	2. H is for Houston

Richard bustled into the entry hall of the Houston Museum of Natural History, with Hyacinth walking placidly behind him.

"You must not walk so quickly into museums, Richard," she scolded, catching up with him. "It does not do well to be so excitable at your age."

Richard sighed, but he said nothing as he walked up to the ticket counter. The ticket handler looked quizically after him, for Richard was walking slowly and stiffly, in an attempt to not look excitable. If the operator had seen Richard from the front, he would also have been puzzled with Richard's now exaggeratedly solemn face.

The Buckets walked through the museum for more than two hours. They'd been through the dinosaur hall, geology exhibit, the hall of African animals, and past an entire wall of preserved insects before Hyacinth had something on which to comment.

The Weiss Hall of Energy was practically a shrine to the oil industry in Texas, though their was a fair share of information about alternative fuel sources.

"I wonder why Texans have such a fascination with petrol production," she said to Richard. "One would think they own the whole world, bragging about how much oil they produce for petrol."

"It's big business here, Hyacinth," Richard said.

"Beg pardon, Ma'm," said a man who had been standing close by and heard the conversation. "This one of the things we're known for. We find the resources, and we know how to use them."

"That's nice, dear," was Hyacinth's only remark, and she and Richard moved on to the chemistry exhibit. This was a fully interactive exhibit, and quite fascinating. Richard proceeded to work a simulation of DNA testing, and then a simulation of the disasterous results of mixing acids with bases.

"Richard, let's move on. You're far too old and dignified to be playing like that," Hyacinth reproved.

Hyacinth lingered in the Hall of Gems and Minerals. Now this was to Hyacinth's taste; gems, minerals, and lavish jewelry were encased in sparkling glass displays; classical music was softly playing, and it was pleasantly dim, almost dark, to show off the many glittering gems.

"Now _there_'s something that I could wear to a fancy dress ball," Hyacinth said approvingly, nodding toward an intricate emerald necklace.

The visit to the natural history museum over, Richard and Hyacinth strolled through the fine art museum. Hyacinth frequently commented on the tastefulness (or vice versa) of many of the paintings and sculptures, though she steered Richard away from the paintings of nude women.

When that was over, they went to the barbeque joint that was just a few miles away. It was a small, rustic place, with a large outdoor eating area, and a large open fireplace, which was lit when it was (rarely) cold enough in winter

. "I'm very hungry after walking those museums," Richard commented. "Let's get in line and get something to eat."

"Get in line? As with your average cafeteria?" Hyacinth exclaimed aloud. "That seems so...common."

This earned her a few odd glances from nearby diners. However, Hyacinth had to admit that the employees were very polite. And the food certainly did smell good. Hyacinth ordered a baked potato loaded with cheese, chives, shredded beef, and sour cream; Richard got the pork ribs.

The whole place was built of weathered gray boards. On the walls were little 'knick-nacks' on the walls-Texas license plates, currency from all over the world signed with friendly messages, tin beer signs-and the underside of the porch roof was plastered with _Ted Poe for Congress_ campaign signs.

"Best damn Congressman, and a real compliment to the Republicans," the store owner replied to Richard's inquiry, as he walked about to greet the diners.

"I can't make head nor tail of the Republicans' pride," Richard said when the owner had left. "It's as if they're fighting for God and country." He proceeded to attack his rack of pork ribs.

Hyacinth was mortified when she saw that Richard did not take care to eat his food "like a proper Englishman should".

"Foods that can't be cut with knife and fork are very messy," Hyacinth continued, primly cutting her potato into tiny bits. "You ought to have known that."

"I don't think this is the kind of place where they would mind," Richard said cheerfully.

"That's right, sir and ma'am," said a cook, returning from his lunch break. "This is a place to relax and lighten up on manners for a while. Why, it shows how much you enjoy the food!"

Richard smiled. "The food certainly _is_ good," he said. "Wish we could get this in England."

The cook chuckled and moved on. Richard took a sip from a bottle of local Texas beer and grinned.

"This is a place Onslow would enjoy," he said teasingly to Hyacinth.

"He'd fit right in, that's for sure," Hyacinth replied dryly. She had noticed an overweight man in a loose 'Houston Texans' tank top, who was

alternating between gulping beer and working his way through a pile of glazed chicken wings.

Two days in Houston went by smoothly, and in the end, even Hyacinth had to admit that Houston was a very interesting city. Her favorite expedition, she told Richard, was the "azalea tour", a guided driving tour of many magnificent homes, whose lawns were simply bursting with blooming bushes of beautiful, lush azaleas.

"Now this is a classy neighborhood that I could enjoy," she said. "I would have a backyard full of azaleas, with some tasteful lawn furniture and plenty of room for a garden party. No one would refuse!"


	3. Teacups and Seabirds

The 'lorry' that went to Galveston was well on its way the following morning, as Hyacinth peppered Richard with facts about the island, though he already knew most of it.

"'Galveston is a narrow island just a few hours away from busy Houston," she read, seeming to have memorized her guidebook word for world. "After a devestating hurricane in 1900-"

"Yes, yes, Hyacinth," Richard interrupted, "they built the seawall to protect it; very clever."

"It would have been more sense to stay from the island altogether," Hyacinth said. A moment later, the bus was turning onto Seawall Boulevard, the main road of Galveston. It followed the seawall. In fact, before the bus came up a little rise and the turn was made, it seemed as if the bus would drop off the edge and into the ocean.

The water sparkled in the light of the sun, which hung white and and clear in the bright blue midmorning sky. The shoreline and beach weren't as remarkable or beautiful as famous ones such as in Florida or California, but it was a cozy looking little place. The piers, having taken a beating in a recent hurricane, had recently been rebuilt, and many were painted in cheerful colors. Those, and the unique restaurants, resorts, and souvenir shops gave Galveston a friendly air.

"This is quite a nice little island," Hyacinth said in approval, as the bus stopped at the Galveston visitor's center. It was a sunny, calm day. Richard called for a taxi to drop him off at a motel (for it was the point closest to the beach he wanted to explore) that was straight across from East End beach. There, birds of all kinds flocked.

"Enjoy your birdwatching, dear," Hyacinth said, as Richard entered the taxi.

A few moments later, Hyacinth took a vintage trolley to the historic shopping district known as the Strand. Now she was in her element now. There were attractive, cozy shops selling home decor, jewelry, hats, and other little things that she liked.

One store, called, rather unoriginally, The Tea Shop, captured her attention. There were dozens of varieties of tea, and tea accessories-spoons, tea bag rests, sugar dishes, and, of course, china sets. One set of china particularly attracted her-teacups and saucers with scalloped edges, and bluebonnets* were hand-painted on them.

"Miss!"Hyacinth called to a cashier, "could I look at these dishes?"

"Are you seriously considering a purchase, ma'am?" the cashier asked politely.

"I may, if I can inspect these dishes in person," Hyacinth answered. "Rather a bold question to ask, don't you think?"

"It's not my doing," the cashier said hastily. "My supervisor tells me this. We don't want to risk these dishes being cracked or damaged. They are rather expensive, and if a customer breaks it, it's at their expense. That's why we ask."

"Do I look like the sort of person who is so uncareful that she breaks fine china?" Hyacinth demanded.

"N-No, Ma'am," the cashier answered, fleeing to find the key to the display cabinet. Hyacinth was very taken with the china, so she bought a set.

"Would you wrap them up for me?" she requested as the cashier rung up the price.

"I'll have someone out to take care of that in a moment," the cashier answered.

"Couldn't it yourself now, please?" Hyacinth asked. "I do so want to continue shopping until my husband comes back from his...birdwatching expedition."

"N-no, ma'am!" the cashier stammered. "I get a little wonky about handling the expensive china. The first and last time I tried to wrap up the china for a customer, I was so nervous about being careful that I ended up breaking two teacups and a saucer-isn't that crazy?"

"That's all right, dear," Hyacinth said. "You're not the only one who is nervous handling fine china."

So, it was a very happy Hyacinth who returned to the visitor's center parking lot, where Richard was already waiting. He glanced at the box in Hyacinth's hands and groaned.

"Tell me that isn't something expensive," he said.

"Not at all, really," Hyacinth said lightly.

Richard shrugged; moments later their bus pulled up again to head back to Houston. During the journey, Richard was prattling on about East End beach. He'd never been so interested in birds and sea life before, he said. He hadn't known what he'd been missing; he saw birds of all kinds. He would have to get a field guide and look them up. There were shells everywhere with hermit crabs in them and...

"Don't get excitable again, Richard," Hyacinth said. "And you're looking a bit pink. You almost got a sunburn. You should not be getting sunburns at your age. It's very unattractive."

Richard was too excited about what he had seen to really pay attention to her.

"That Attenborough fellow is older than me," he said, "and I did think he was crazy, sometimes, going all over the world like that. But I know now why he does, and-"

"_Do_ calm down, Richard," Hyacinth interjected.

"I suppose I should," Richard said. "I don't want to be all worn out when we get back to Houston. We've got a dude ranch to visit."

* * *

I'm assuming that if you've been following this story, you've noticed that it sounds a bit like a tourist's guide to Texas. I just love this state so damned dearly, that the idea of having Richard and Hyacinth visit Texas just popped into my mind. :-) I know Hyacinth is somewhat out of character in going along with Richard's extensive plans, but I'm trying to get the pace moving.

*The bluebonnet is the state flower of Texas


	4. Home on the Range

By late afternoon the next day, the Buckets were at a genuine "dude ranch". It was a real working ranch, where cattle and Quarter horses were raised, but it also welcomed tourists. It was set in the beautiful green, rolling, fresh 'Hill Country'.

"This really is a pleasant bit of country," Hyacinth said cheerfully.

They had taken a flight from Texas, to Austin, where Richard rented a car; they were soon zipping along through the quiet, rural land that seemed so far removed from the electric, bustling pace of houston.

The ranch was hard to miss; Richard turned onto a small gravel road, which dipped into a small valley. Two large, red barns glowed against the lush green pastures and paddocks, where cattle and horses grazed, and on the other side of the main part of the ranch, small white guest cottages were framed by flowering hedges.

"Oh, what a charming place," Hyacinth said. "I am glad to see that Texas countryside lives up to England's."

The next morning dawned pleasantly warm and clear. Rising from their comfortable bed in the clean, sunny guest cottage, Richard and Hyacinth headed to the long, rustic dining hall, which wasn't only for guests, but for everyone at the ranch, from cooks to horses' grooms. Everyone was on the same level, and the a stable hand might have easily and happily talked to the Queen of England, if she had been there, as with one of his fellow stable hands.

"Howdy, Mr. and Mrs. Bucket," a handsome, twinkly-eyed ranch hand said, just as Hyacinth Richard were taking a place at the long table.

"It's _Bouquet_," Hyacinth said quickly.

"'Bouquet', then, ma'am," the ranch hand continued. "Glad to have you two. You're the only visitors this week, and we're very pleased to have you. Do you mind if I sit next to y'all?"

"Of course we don't mind," Richard said.

"So you're from merrry old England, eh?"

"Yes, sir, we are," said Richard, smiling.

"Call me James," the ranch hand replied. "What's it like there?"

"We live in a very exclusive, pleasant neighborhood," Hyacinth answered, airily. "It's not so far in the country as to be away from places of culture and entertainment, but not so close to London that there's a risk of having eccentric people nearby,"

"Is there much to do out here?" Richard asked James. "When you aren't working?"

James smiled. "It's great riding country, and there's a pleasant little town nearby, Kingforest. There's a nice country-western bar. The music and dancing is good fun-you don't have to drink to have fun there! And floating on the river on the weekend is delightful. Just get an inflatable tube or raft, and go gently down the Brazos a way."

A cook placed plates of scrambled eggs, bacon, toast, and coffee before Richard and Hyacinth. James waited for them to sample their food before continuing to speak.

"It does get a little lonely, though, at times," James said. "They're aren't a lot of gals in town, and almost half of them already have a fella'."

Richard wondered, then and afterward, what had come over him when he replied to James' last comment.

"Well, Hyacinth has a younger sister back in England who certainly doesn't mind sharing gentlemen." Richard laughed, but a second later, he turned the color of a bad sunburn.

"Richard!" Hyacinth gasped, scandalized. James looked uncomfortable and excused himself, mumbling something about branding cattle. Richard looked repentant.

"Sorry, Hyacinth," he said inadequently.

Hyacinth gave him a look that could kill, and Richard pretended to be engrossed in squeezing a precise amount of ketchup onto his scrambled eggs.

It was time for a trail ride.

James assured Hyacinth that the horses were very tame, and the trails easy and pleasant. There was a small chance of falling off of the horse, but it was a rare occurence. Hyacinth looked convinced, and she tried to adjust her riding helmet without messing her hair.

"Have either of you ridden before?" James asked.

"Er-," Hyacinth said. "Some."

"Ever fallen off before?"

"I fell off-once," Hyacinth replied, adding, "but I didn't completely lose my head, like some people might. Richard, are your lungs collapsing?"

Richard, trying not to laugh, was practically wheezing with the effort.

"No, no," he gasped.

"Then let's go!" Hyacinth said. She was being assisted into the saddle of a pretty gray mare named Mockingbird*.

"Ah, now this is a pleasant, gentle horse," Hyacinth said, patting

Mockingbird's neck.

"I think mine's dead," Richard said, now mounted on a stocky black horse named Raven. Mockingbird was daintily stepping in place, but Raven had his head low and was not moving a foot.

"Ah, he's a little slow until he sees Mockingbird going," James said, swinging into the saddle of his own horse. "Ready? Let's begin."

The ride was a very proper (as Hyacinth would put it) and relaxing ride; through shadowy valleys and up low slopes they rode. Wildflowers in colors of the rainbow bloomed everywhere, and the hills seemed to stretch to the edges of the sky. Hyacinth was so taken in admiring the hillside that Richard found a rare opportunity to talk freely. James was telling him more about Texas folklore, and then asked Richard what would he should visit, if he ever went to England.

"Well, well, that was quite a grand ride!" Hyacinth exclaimed, as they were returning. The sun was bright and high in the sky, and it was getting warmer. As she was helped out of the saddle by Richard (James had to attend to his horse, which had a rock stuck in the bottom of its foot), Hyacinth said to him, "_Oof!_ Don't be so clumsy-handed. You don't need to wrench me out! Be delicate when helping a lady from the saddle."

"I'm _trying,_" Richard said. "Now, just step down out of the stirrup, and you'll be fine."

"I don't _feel_ fine," Hyacinth said, rubbing her back. "I feel rather as if I'd fallen down a hill and dashed up on a rock."

"Well, it must've been some time since you've ridden, Hyacinth," James said. "That happens to everybody if they aren't used to riding for a length of time like that."

Hyacinth sighed. "Ah, well, it actually was worth it. If I ever had to live in the United States for some extraordinary reason, I'd live here."

* * *

*The mockingbird is the Texas state bird.


	5. Epilogue

"I _will_ miss Texas," Hyacinth said fondly, as her and Richard's flight back to London began. "We must come again if we can. I never thought it a good idea, Richard, but I was wrong. I must remember that there are times when you have good ideas!"

"Err..." said Richard, not sure whether or not to take her words as a compliment.

"I must have Elizabeth over for tea as soon as possible; I'm sure she'll want to hear _all_ about it. And I must send pictures to dear Sheriden. He'll be so glad that his mummy enjoyed such a _delightful_ place."

The airplane was now high in the sky; Texas looked smaller and smaller as the airplane accelerated, until it could be seen no more.

Smiling, Hyacinth straightened out the cowgirl hat she had been given as a farewell gift from the folks at the Double X. She thought it looked very smart on her-a pretty ivory color, trimmed with small silk- hyacinths!

As the airplane headed back to England, Hyacinth started to hum the tune of 'Deep in the Heart of Texas' (thinking at the same time that she "must sing it for Emmet, he would be _so_ delighted").

_The stars at night are big and bright_

_Deep in the heart of Texas_

_The prairie sky is wide and high_

_Deep in the heart of Texas_

_The sage in bloom is like perfume_

_Deep in the heart of Texas..._

* * *

_This story is dedicated to Texas, the best damn state in the US, and its people. This is also dedicated to all the cast members from _Keeping Up Appearances_, especially the late Mary Millar and Gefoffrey Hughes ('Rose #2' and Onslow)_. _Thank Y'ALL for the laughs!_


	6. Afterword

Except for the barbeque restaurant (which is fictitious in location only, being inspired by the folksy Texas BBQ joints I've enjoyed), the Tea Shop on the Galveston Strand, and the Double X Ranch, all these places really do exist in Texas.

'Deep in the Heart of Texas' was written by June Hershey and does not belong to me.


End file.
